cat with death wish

patience with the cat lasted longer than i thought. a whole 2 weeks. then she decided to get all annoying again, and more so. and creepy. now she's locked in the bathroom w/her food b/c Im not in the mood to hear her crunching for 20 minutes, and she WOULD NOT SHUT UP! I dont need her waking up my husband. and IM SICK TO DEATH OF HER HAIR ALL OVER ME! i think I need to go to bed. this really shouldnt be such a big deal.

15 minutes later...

om my...this cat's gotta death wish. seriously. somebody's gonna have to call the ASPCA and PETA cause I'm having a "Mommy Dearest" moment with my cat child. 

and i can't go to bed b/c Im not tired enough to fall asleep and I would just end up tossing and turning and waking up the husband. and I can't go outside cause its almost midnight. and I can't KILL HER. and I've had one of her hairs stuck in the back of my throat and I dont even want to think about how it must've gotten there cause then I'm gonna be OCD about cleaning, and I already mopped and dusted and Clorox wipied everything today and that was a huge chore even though my apartment in so small and I cant get this dang hair outta my throat!!!! arrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg!!!

 

PS: if you don't know me personally, please know I would never actually harm the cat, aside from shooting imaginary flaming arrows at her with my mind. There is no need to actually call the ASPCA. I do not need to be on an episode of Animal Precinct. Thank you for your cooperation. 

 PSS:

This is a repost from my Facebook, spur of the moment, and also the reason for the lack of punctuation or any other attention to grammar-please don't judge me for that, too. Don't call the grammar police.

ninja cat with an imagined vendetta

Ok, so why the heck does my husband’s stupid cat like to sit outside the bathroom door while I am in there? It’s more than a little creepy when you open the door and the cat is staring accusingly at you. What’s going through her little pea brain? Is she mad at me because I left her alone? She’s a freakin cat! She should like to be left alone. But no, we have the cat who bounds towards the door like a loopy Labrador whenever he comes home. For me she just looks mildly disgusted. But really, what’s with the hanging out in front of the bathroom?

And I swear she’s trying to make me paranoid. I was getting ready to take a shower, dancing a little to some Black Eyed Peas (please withhold judgment) when the bathroom door jumps and the handle rattles. Frozen in mid I-AM-Freaky-Fergi pose, heart now in throat, I stared uncomprehending at the door. Violently swinging it open I looked for the cat, the usual suspect; she was in the kitchen eating, also as usual. So I imagined it, right? Thirty seconds later it happened again, and she was still in the kitchen, stuffing her fat face, barely taking time to stop and look at me like I was high on catnip.

By then I was thinking, do I beat the cat without evidence? It seemed like something she would do – slam her bovine-like body against the door she’s been loitering in front of all day - just to see what her human’s witless mate would do. How would she have gotten back to the kitchen so fast, though? But the alternative to a ninja cat with an imagined vendetta was scarier: a poltergeist was just not what I needed right then. So my ever rational mind decided it must’ve been the neighbors slamming their front door too hard, again, and making the walls shake. It was either that or freak myself out so bad that I ended up hyperventilating in the shower and drowning in an inch of water.

I still think it was her, though.