yes, I'm still alive

Ok, so I know I left it hanging with the last post about the cruise, yet unfinished. Not that I am assuming all 6 of you are waiting on pins and needles for the rest. That would be awesome, to have that kind of power over peoples minds, but in reality, I know its the smallest of small potatoes.

I've just been very unmotivated, uninspired lately. The cruise was nice in that we got out of NYC, but it wasn't enough of a break. The Husband doesn't believe it was a mistake, as we are super thoughtful about how we spend our meager funds; this was just a "we need to get out of NYC or we may end up killing ourselves or others." So really, we did it for our own good and for the safety of the populace. But it was a quick, not well researched decision, and those are the kinds we hate, hate, hate, and it ended up being a little bit of a deflating experience. So I don't think I want to relive it, even for my faithful 6 followers, most of whom I will have to goad into reading this by pleading and begging on Facebook.

But I digress. It's in my blood.

Unmotivated, uninspired.

Although in the grand scheme of the years I've been dealing with them, they are decreasing, my headaches seem to have decided that instead of visiting frequently, they will gang up on me for a week or so at a time. Which causes me to be frustrated, depleted emotionally and physically, and surly. I try to keep busy, as they are connected to tension in my shoulders and neck, and not staying in one place helps ease that tension; but there is only so much house cleaning you can do in an apartment this small, only so much laundry and grocery shopping. And since it is still pretty freaking cold out here, especially with the unrelenting wind that slices like a samurai sword through even the thickest layers, taking a walk isn't always productive, and it makes me lonely sometimes. And it costs me $5 in subway fare just to go into the city and back, and since it's been lean lately, I can't even afford to go to the gym, even if I got past the mental road blocks and decided to go.

And I think it is hitting both of us that it's only been a year. A YEAR!!! It seems like 12. And we still have about 14 months to go. And I am tired of the cold, but then I remember last summer and the sadistic humidity we had that even the freezer section of the grocery store couldn't fight, and I think, well at least its always pretty warm in the apartment. That doesn't fly in the summer. The only place cool in my apartment is the 6 inches in front of the air conditioner in our bedroom, and while I enjoy the small slice of Manhattan I can see from out window, it looses its luster after about 10 minutes.  So I end up sticking to the couch...literally.

And now it's come to the point where I have to start working. Hopefully the babysitting job will be steady, and I am looking into working for a caterer one of the Husband's co-students worked for. I don't mind; I guess I just don't want to relive the pressure of having to work.  That may sound wimpy, but I hate that pressure, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE being able to work for myself, taking care of us. It could be a hundred times harder and I would still love it.The babysitting is the best because I could use the practice (eventually) its good money, and he's an awesome baby. And the parents are great, too. I just don't know how often they will need my services, and if it will be enough.

And we want to go home for the Husband's break in summer, because we sure as you know what don't want to stay here for two weeks, but the airfare is INSANE (we're talking $1000 for the both of us right now; hoping it goes down soon or I will be looking into selling blood. Hey...that's actually an interesting idea. I wonder what I could get for my eggs. JUST KIDDING  MOM, DAD, MOM-IN-LAW, SIS-IN-LAW, GRANDMA...mostly).

But, as I am trying to be more positive, here are some good things:

we only have 14 more months.

I may be able to work a really great job with a great baby, only a block from a great park where I can walk him in the stroller and take photos and when he's more stable we can play in the grass.

Living lean still means rent is paid, food in fridge, clothes on back, cable TV and a DVR, good health compared to most, and sometimes...sometimes...spending $20 we really shouldn't spend on a cheap Mexican dinner and feeling like young, normal married people. Well, relatively young.

Digital photography doesn't cost a thing and when it warms up, I plan on going on some photography tours of the city.

I have a wonderful, generous, awesome family on both sides. And I am an only child which means even though I am almost 28, I still get spoiled. And I'm grateful for it all the time.

There's a Goodwill Outlet store 10 blocks from my house. I don't have mulah to spend there right now, but $10 bucks will get me 15-20 articles of semi-used clothing. Nothing makes me happier than a great deal.

(Ok, now I feel OK about venting just a little more.)


So...unmotivated, because of pain and pressure and a little anxiety that I shouldn't be wallowing in.

Uninspired because  nothing interesting has happened to me lately.

Unless finding and trying new recipes is interesting to you.

Or how I think of my granny cart and pots and pans as my companions since I spend more time with them than human beings. And how sometimes I talk to them. But they don't talk back so I'm still the safe side of crazy.

Or how the cat is afraid of the TV, even when it's on mute, but not always because that would make too much sense. And she's not on the safe side.

Or my campaign to get my neighbors across the hall evicted. It really is one of those situations where the phrase "It could be worse" doesn't apply.

Or how absurdly happy it makes me that its light until 7pm and soon I won't want to curse the weather gods every time I step out the door.

So, here is this post, to keep you updated. And to give me some room to vent. And be grateful.

Thanks for "listening."

Until next time, mi amigos.
Or-rev-vwa.

hawk on a wire

we had a rainstorm the other day and it rained hard for most of the day. When I woke up I looked outside and saw this hawk chilling out on the telephone pole outside our window. he sat there for several hours and allowed me to get some shots. He flew away later, but for a few hours I felt like I was sharing the storm with someone. I love those kinds of moments.